I grew up with the Resident Evil games so trust me, I know what I’m talking about.

Naturally, any movie based on something you love is going to be met with an insane amount of excitement coupled with a small amount of apprehension.

I was only a teenager when Resident Evil hit cinema screens and I took it for what it was. A zombie movie rather than a game adaptation. Now though, I feel only disappointment. Who fancies a game vs movie checklist?

  • Is the film set in a mansion or Police Station? No.
  • Is there any hint of a fan favourite character? No.
  • Any daft puzzles? No.
  • Any hint of an unfolding storyline? No.

Let’s face it, the only thing that makes this a Resident Evil movie is the title and the fact that Umbrella are in it. Even the appearance of the Licker makes me roll my eyes.

Does anyone remember its introduction in Resident Evil 2?

The first encounter with a licker, playing as Claire.

 

It’s a stalking monster that’s quick and agile. Kind of like a Velociraptor, just on all fours with its brain showing. So why the movies portrayed it as some powerful boss for the final battle is beyond me.

The one bit that was working were the scenes with Cerberus. They look just like they did in the games and they even did the “jump through the window” jump scare! It was all going so well, all until Alice (who the f*ck is Alice?) climbed the wall and did a spinning judarate kick to take one out.

Nope, can’t remember that being in the earlier games…

Finally, who the hell is the Red Queen and what the hell is The Hive? We’re in the realm of completely and unnecessarily made up stuff now! What’s wrong with a shady organisation that accidentally leaks a virus? Goodness me, what a mess.

So, is there anything that actually works?

Well the zombies are decent. I mean, they don’t take much acting but they shuffle along, make the right noises and bite people. So one big tick for the zombies.

The cast is ok(ish) too. Colin Salmon does well in anything he does so for Resident Evil, the natural thing is to kill him off early - *facepalm*.

Michelle Rodriguez plays Michelle Rodriguez, Milla Jovovich is somewhere between Ripley and The Bride and James Purefoy plays his character in the brilliant, smarmy way that he always does.

Whilst that cast could have worked as some kind of Umbrella Corps, the storyline offed them way too early and you never really see the military prowess Umbrella has. If anything, it shows how inept they are. For instance, Michelle Rodriguez gets bitten around 5 times in the opening hour.

So yea, all in all, it was a sh!tstorm and we’re going to have to wait years for a reboot. Ugh.

2* - It wasn’t as bad as Super Mario Bros and Street Fighter. That’s the only reason it gets a 2 stars!

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