This was a struggle.
If you think you’ve seen one of the worst movies ever made and it isn’t The Cradle of Life, you need to readjust your thinking.
Where Lara Croft: Tomb Raider had all the charm of classic action movies, The Cradle of Life takes that charm and stamps on its head.
Within the first 30 minutes, I’d already face palmed and things really don’t get any better.
If you’ve ever seen the 1966 Batman movie, you’ll remember he had to use shark repellent to ward off a Great White. Well, no need for such a crude spray for Lara. No, she can simply judge the movement of the shark and then punch it in the face to scare it off. So sod off with your repellent, Wayne!
It really doesn’t get any better than that either. The storyline, whilst not a million miles away from the first was handled poorly. There’s no real enemy that you feel you can root against and the fact that Gerard Butler is in a high security facility is laughable.
He’s supposed to be this mercenary that MI6 loathe but I’d probably find Oscar the Grouch less trustworthy. I mean, what’s the point in all the guards, the prisoner’s hands through the bars and the isolated cell, if all we’re going to have is Gerard Butler! What did he do? Run over a squirrel and just drive off?
Unfortunately for dear Gerard, he’s also given the worst line in anything I’ve watched recently, if not ever.
“You can break my wrist but I’m still going to kiss you”.
That’s so bad it wouldn’t even make it into an Arnie movie and that’s saying something.
If there was an enemy that made things interesting it might be saved but Ciarán Hinds is given absolutely nothing to do and as such, it leaves the movie with no direction whatsoever.
It’s a massive shame that he has this blotch on his IMDB page because Hinds is a brilliant actor. He can play almost any role and the fact that he was criminally underused in this is actually quite annoying. He genuinely could have saved this car crash but when everything else has been handled poorly, you can’t expect anything different.
All in all, The Cradle of Life probably could have been wrapped up in 30 minutes and I seriously wish it had been. Or not made at all. That might have been better.
0* - Just kill it. It’s already dead.