* Disclaimer: Contains spoilers and the confusions of a GOT newbie
With Owain - our resident Game of Thrones expert reviewer - taking another leave of absence, it's once again my honor to breakdown another beguiling episode of Game of Thrones. Having only watched Episode 7, this is what we've learned:
- There's not nearly as much boobage as we were promised
- People haven't died nearly as much as we were led to believe
- John Snow takes it on the chin
Hells yeah! You want to start things off right, you get a fleet of barges to rival troy and get them to fling fiery masses at Minis Tirith! Sure there's a bit of back-and-forth between the Station Agent and Aquaman's Mrs, but let's just assume for now it's some trick to get us involved in their relationship and get back to burning people falling off parapets.
Alas! No flaming bodies jumping from castle walls. But who in Boromir's name needs that, when Aquaman's Mrs has a bunch of dragons under mind control and seem more than happy to puke fiery death onto the army of marauders? My only gripe would be; where were they when Lovejoy was strung up in episode 7!?
Then finally - John Snow puts on his big-boy pants and talks trash to some cold-eyed loon. After watching him get a verbal smackdown in most of his exchanges two episodes ago, The Bastard decides to ante up and break it off some. It's a satisfying change for sure. Even his sister takes a leaf and gives the psycho a big "fuck you", before trotting off like a G.
Credit where it's due. There's the minimal of worried generals and sisters doing it for themselves when a Sparticus scale battle is on the cards. As a casual viewer, it's like I struck gold! Few other TV shows have angry dragons, horse mounted trash talking or FUCKIN GIANTS!!! Understandably, John Snow's troops looked alarmed when gazing upon the expanse of the psycho's army. Not the giant though. Front and centre, not giving a fuck. But it could all be for naught when the loony seems clever enough to play a little mind game before the battle begins. He guna mess with Johnny boy by releasing his brother with a tantalising hope of freedom. You deserve not to get it if you're dumb enough not to run in zig-zags when someone is shooting at you and that's all we'll say about it.
I always took John Snow as a bit of Streisand, but he Jason Bournes it when the battle ensues! Slicin' and Dicin' the enemy while dodging sword swipes, cavalrymen and arrows. He's really gone up in my estimations. Even if the almighty fight didn't have fulfilling scenes of desperation, bloodshed and momentous victory, John Son of Borromir brings the noise when he bashes the living shit out of the psycho.
Now while cathartic, nothing will prepare you for the gratifyingly grotesque site of a man getting his jaw chomped off by his own dogs. No really.
Apart from the bewbs it turned my expectations on it's head.