I’m now in the exclusive club of men that have seen Fifty Shades of Grey. All I can say is that the old saying is true.

Sex sells.

Because it certainly wasn’t the acting or the storyline.

I’m not sure who directed this but I’m going to hazard a guess at George Lucas. It must have been. It has all the hammy scripting hallmarks and the only thing that was energetic about it were the multiple sex scenes.

In fact, they were so multiple that I kind of feel like I’m writing about something called ‘porn’. That particular genre has been described to me as ‘unfiltered sex on screen’ and as I’ve never heard of it or seen any, I must conclude that that’s what Fifty Shades is. Porn.

Those scenes, were pretty graphic in comparison to most movies and it’s hard to ever imagine the movie being played on anything but Channel 5. And, whilst they were the most energetic parts of the movie, it just felt weird watching them.

Not only because of the act but also because the way they played out felt completely separated from the rest of the movie.

Firstly, who in their right mind would start dating a guy that stalked her around the city?

Secondly, he turns up at her workplace. So you have to wonder how he found that out and what else he knows.

Then he picks her up from a party and later on, turns up to lunch with her mother. I mean, is there no-where she can hide?

Then, not only is he quite stalkerish, he has a special ‘play room’. He wants her to stay over 3 days a week and won’t sleep in the same bed as her. If that’s not screaming serial killer, I don’t know what is.

If Fifty Shades has taught us anything though, if you’re into it - you’re into it. No matter how much of a stalker the other person is.

With a storyline that could have been played out over 30 minutes, the script should have helped. But, when the cavalry was needed, the horses were still dicking (Ha!) around in the stable.

I won’t go into too much detail but a few quotes should suffice.

“Why are you trying to change me?” “I'm not. It's you that's changing me.”

“Because I'm fifty shades of fucked up, Anastasia.”

And finally…

“I don’t make love, I fuck. Hard.”

In short, if you go into Fifty Shades with little expectation, it can be enjoyable. Not as some sensual, seductive drama, but as a comedy. You’ll find yourself either laughing at the script or nervously laughing at the sex scenes.

Either way, it’ll stick in the memory. Even if it only serves as some kind of aphrodisiac.

2* - I don’t watch movies. I review them. Hard.