It’s December which mean’s its been Christmastime for about a month and a half now. Let’s face it, 2016 has been a shitty year by every measure, so I’m not particularity up for grabbing the yule log for a happy time circle jerk. With that spirit in mind, I bring you five television episodes to watch when you’re completely fed up with Christmas.

But Asshole, if I’m fed up with Christmas then why would I watch a Christmas special?” Well first off, that’s rude. Secondly, because you’re a rebel. Because you don’t want to just ignore Christmas, you want to desecrate that shit. So here’s five episodes of five different TV shows that are about Christmas, but without the feel good shit. You can watch all of these even if you’ve never seen the rest of the shows, and accordingly I’m going to mildly spoil them because Christmas. 

5) Rick and Morty : Anatomy Park

If you’re watching Rick and Morty, Dan Harmon’s irreverent cartoon take on Doc and Marty from Back to the Future, then you know you’re in for some messed up shit. In this episode Jerry decides to enforce a “no electronics” rule on Christmas so that the family can all be “together” with one another, something he immediately regrets when his parents arrive for dinner with their much younger friend Jacob, who turns out to be Jerry’s mother’s lover. Jerry’s father is cool with it all and sometimes watches them have sex from the closet while he wears a Superman costume. Meanwhile, Rick miniaturizes Morty and sends him on a rescue mission inside the body of a homeless man dressed as Santa Claus because Rick’s Jurassic Park knockoff built inside the guy is experiencing some problems. There’s a giant Santa dick in this one.

4) Red Dwarf Series X: Lemons

Though this isn’t technically a Christmas themed episode, the Boys from the Dwarf do go back in time and meet Jesus. There’s the usual selection of jokes we’ve come to expect from good Dwarf, along with a sampling of truly blasphemous comedy that comes with meeting the son of God. This is, after all, the show that began with a no holds barred take on religion and the messiah concept via Cloister, Slovenly Uncool God of the Cat People.

3) Babylon 5: The Fall of Night

Each season of Babylon 5 takes place over one calendar year, and it’s amazing how many cliff hanger events happen in December. Christmas isn’t mentioned in this episode, but Ivanova lights her menorah in the closing scene and there is an angel, so that counts for something. This episode shows Earth Government siding with the (metaphorical) devil because it’s the safe and easy option, while on B5 itself one man relentlessly pursues the (literal) devil. There’s a quick quip about religious iconography being the result of alien manipulation, but overall this episode shows that absolutely despicable shit can happen at any time, even Christmas.

2) Batman The Animated Series: Christmas With The Joker

This intentional Christmas special features Joker’s escape from Arkham Asylum via a giant Christmas tree rocket, the abduction of Commissioner Gordon, Barbara Gordon, and Detective Bullock, the potential mass murder of an entire train full of people (including Barbara Gordon’s mother), and the revelation that Bruce Wayne has never seen It’s a Wonderful Life because he could “never get past the title,” which is some particularly dark shit if you think about it. Of course in the end everything works out okay.

If this episode is a bit too cheery for you then I recommend you replace it with an episode titled “The Underdwellers.” The villain-of-the-week on this one is a guy that tortures homeless kids in the sewer. No crazy motif or anything, he’s just fucking evil. In one scene Batman is just taking pictures of starving children as evidence. It’s fucking brutal.

Speaking of brutal…

1) Metalocalypse : Dethmas

If this Christmas episode were an Andy Warhol painting then it would depict Rudolph getting carrot-nose fucked by Frosty the Snowman. I could spend an entire article decompressing all the hedonistic shit in this episode, but I’ll settle for just hitting the main plot points here.

Murderface and Dick Knubbler pitch a Christmas special to a variety of sponsors who all pass because Murderface is Dethklok’s bass guitarist and thus is not a celebrity. Eventually they secure funding from The Church, who transform the event from the blood-soaked brutal orgy that Murderface envisioned to a traditional Christmas special with throwaway family friendly jokes. Meanwhile, Dethklok’s mothers arrive to spend the holiday with them, making everyone miserable. Also meanwhile, Doctor Rockso the Rock and Roll Clown has just been released from prison and shows up to get Toki to buy him more drugs. Toki resists but is overall consumed by having a Secret Santa event for Dethklok even if they don’t want one (which of course they don’t because that’s not metal). Toki erects a Christmas tree in Mordhaus, which his fellow band mates consider not at all brutal, but Nathan disagrees saying “It’s like having a rotting corpse in your house, but the corpse of a tree. You know? It’s dead, and then you humiliate it even further by hanging ornaments all over it like, `fuck you.`”

Murderface tricks the rest of the band into getting involved with the Christmas special, which all goes tits up when Nathan realizes that it’s sponsored by “religion.” The episode culminates on live television with a fist fight, cursing, Dethklok’s drunken mothers crashing the show, and Toki wearing a Santa costume and threatening to murder Doctor Rockso for stealing the Secret Santa presents to buy cocaine. Oh, and Doctor Rockso gets a handjob from Skwisgaar’s mom. Even I feel dirty watching this one.

I hope these help get you through to New Years. If not, there’s always booze.

Merry whatever.

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